Parenting Reflections and Tips

The Role of Fathers in Modern Parenting: Dads Are Not Mr. Moms

role of fathers, modern parenting, Mr. Moms, gender equality, motherhood, gender roles, modern parenting

The Role of Fathers in Modern Parenting: Dads are NOT Mr. Moms
by Nadia Sabri, MD

Dads are not Mr. Moms.

This post may contain affiliate links.  See disclosure for more information. 

A great disservice is being done to our families and society by comparing and treating the men in our lives like children, or worse, like incompetent fools.

Apparently, surveys show that husbands stress out women just as much if not more as their kids. Memes and cartoons taunt, ‘Not sure who is harder to raise: Husbands or kids.’  Phrases like ‘Mr. Mom’, ‘dad is babysitting’, or jokes about the questionable ability of fathers with their children have become commonplace.

Contrary to these views,  modern millennial dads are just as involved and sometimes even more so in raising their kids. Read more about stress and the art of mental fitness.

So why the conflicting views on the fatherhood?

I remember a conversation I had with another physician during a shift at the clinic. I was the pediatrician on duty and the other doctor was on the family medicine service. We introduced ourselves, discussing our kids, spouses, our schedules, etc.

He shared that both he and his spouse were physicians and although his kids were now in their teens, life was still very busy for them. I agreed, reflecting that every stage of life is busy in a different way.

As an after hours/urgent care doctor, my shifts are usually evenings and weekends. During the day, I am home with the kids while my husband is at work. On my work days, my husband is with the kids. It is definitely hectic for us but we make it work. At the time, our eldest child was 2 years old and the little one was 6 months old.

He looked a bit surprised and impressed when I mentioned that my husband, a software engineer, was taking care of our two kids while I was at work.

“Both kids? By himself? Wow, I guess he’s being Mr. Mom tonight, huh?’”

It caught me a little off guard that he found this an interesting point. After all, I just finished telling him that I do the exact same thing, which is take care of the kids while my husband works.

Despite finding this comment off-putting, I just politely said, ‘no, not Mr. Mom. He’s just… being their dad’.

After the initial small talk, we got busy seeing our patients, our shifts ended and we went our separate ways.

After I got home later that night, my husband and I chatted about our evenings. Curious about his experience, I shared the views of my colleague. My husband shared that he frequently received comments like Mr. Mom and he found it both offensive and annoying that people routinely gave him positive comments on how great it was that he is involved in his kids’ life or thanking him for babysitting and giving his wife a break from the kids.

How different are our experiences. I can’t recall a stranger thanking me for babysitting the kids. Read more on how my perspective changed when I became a parent.

The truth is that these comments underlie decades of double standards, relaying the general sense that the brunt of childcare and chores falls on the mother and anything the dad does is extra credit.

Yes, my husband is a wonderful man. After all, I married him and had kids with him. So why wouldn’t I expect him to share the responsibility of parenthood with him?

Holding on to the view that everything besides the 9-5 is extra credit is unrealistic and not even accurate for most modern parents. Women’s roles have expanded, doing double or triple duty as professionals, mothers, and homemakers. Mens roles are changing and they involved in responsibilities both at home and at work.

Studies show that kids are better adjusted happier, and thrive when an involved father is present. The American Psychological Association notes that ‘research on the role of fathers suggests that the influence of father love on children’s development is as great as the influence of a mother’s love’ and that ‘[f]atherly love helps children develop a sense of their place in the world, which helps their social, emotional and cognitive development and functioning’. Dads feel just as stressed out as moms and experience bias as well.

However, despite the studies of the positive shift in parenting and parental equality, antiquated views of parenthood are still circulating in polite circles. Hence, the jokes and taunts which disrespect the importance of the father. Haven’t we moved on from the tired view that a woman’s job is a hobby and that the ‘real job’ is taking care of the home and family? Or that men are merely sperm donors? It’s 2018, yes?

Parenting is changing and paradigms need to follow.

It’s not babysitting if you are spending time with your own child. It’s called being a parent.

Let’s not insult the men in our lives by treating them as stand ins for mothers. They are fathers and that needs to be respected.

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This post may contain affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission with no extra charge to you if you purchase through my links. See disclosure for more information.

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20 Comments

  • Reply
    Melissa Welby
    January 31, 2018 at 4:00 pm

    Yes to all of this!! It is so common to hear “Oh so your husband is babysitting the kids tonight?”. No, he is being the parent, same as when I’m parenting. These are powerful messages and I hope they change soon. Thanks for this post!

    • Reply
      themindfulmdmom
      February 1, 2018 at 11:50 am

      I know, right? Guys can do it too! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is always great to hear from you!

  • Reply
    Rachel
    March 17, 2018 at 12:07 pm

    I know many dads that are great with their kids and do plenty of things with them. I traveled for work when my daughter was 2 months old. She stayed home with daddy and had a great time, and the older 2 had no issues either. Everyone made it to where they needed to be and were fed and clothed.

  • Reply
    Heather
    March 17, 2018 at 1:32 pm

    I agree!! My husband works during the day and I work in the evening. We don’t have a babysitter, so we both watch our son while the other is working. I get comments like you do about Dad “babysitting.” No, he’s just being a father like he should be. Thanks for posting this article.

  • Reply
    Misadventures with Megan
    March 17, 2018 at 8:31 pm

    I totally agree this is crazy! About a week after our first was born, I was dead tired and really not feeling going to a brunch with my husbands family so he took the baby to see his family for an hour while I slept. This seemed like a pretty good deal to me – a whole hour of sleep! I was not prepared for the astonishment that followed! Everyone was like wow thats so wonderful you trusted him with the baby right away! Ummm… I mean. It’s his baby? He’s just as invested as me? It was nuts!

    • Reply
      themindfulmdmom
      March 23, 2018 at 3:32 am

      I know exactly what you mean. It’s so ridiculous. If one couldn’t trust their partner with their own child, seems like some other issues are in play. Thanks, Megan!

  • Reply
    Shernette Williams
    March 17, 2018 at 11:31 pm

    I remember hearing that all of the time from other people! It’s so funny how the wordplay gets mixed up in all of it since us moms do like to take on the majority of the work. Sorry honey, he isn’t a babysitter – he’s their dad! LOL I laughed at the memories this one brought up.

  • Reply
    Mommy Jhy | www.myfavoritelists.com
    March 18, 2018 at 10:38 pm

    Comments such as those are unfair to fathers who are active in co-raising their kids.
    Hubby is very hands on with our children and comments like that would be an insult to his efforts.

    • Reply
      themindfulmdmom
      March 23, 2018 at 3:29 am

      I totally agree. Fathers work hard to take care of their kids too. Calling them babysitters is way insulting. Thanks for sharing!

  • Reply
    Jesus
    March 29, 2018 at 4:19 pm

    This is an amazing post I truly agree with it! I’m a single dad and when people see me taking care of my kid they react like I’m doing the impossible and it’s annoying because I’m literally just taking care of my kid there’s nothing else to it… I love your post and how you see fathers I appreciate and wish everyone would just see it like that too.

    • Reply
      themindfulmdmom
      March 29, 2018 at 8:02 pm

      I know, right? Thanks for babysitting your child. JK.
      But seriously, thanks for taking an active role in parenting instead of falling into the stereotype of being a passive accessory. Honestly, the father’s role is so important and needs to be respected. Thanks for your kind words, Jesus.

  • Reply
    Candace | travelingstrange.com
    March 29, 2018 at 6:57 pm

    I wholeheartedly agree! As a society, we have expanded the idea of what it means to be a woman, but men’s roles are still in retrograde. Time for them to catch up! Great article!

  • Reply
    Nafia
    April 27, 2018 at 4:10 pm

    I feel the SAME. Both of my son’s parents do the parenting role, while, I would say, yes, women do the majority of it all. But it always feels like dads get congratulated for something that is and should be their natural role. Women always most always are responsible for holding it together when everything is going to crap or is stressful. We seriously need to shift this narrative and stop acting like fatherhood is some sort of clapworthy responsibility. It should always be about what is best for the welfare and happiness and development of the kids.

    Great piece. Love this blog, ‘cuzzo! <3

    • Reply
      themindfulmdmom
      May 1, 2018 at 10:43 pm

      Girl, I hear ya! Thanks for your sweet words, Nafia <3

  • Reply
    Casi Mott
    September 27, 2018 at 4:33 pm

    This is such a great post! I love how real and honest it is! Dads are simply amazing and they should be celebrated!

  • Reply
    What is the role of fathers in child development and upbringing?
    April 10, 2019 at 9:35 pm

    […] Dr Nadia, a paediatrician beautifully highlights this in her post. […]

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