The Parental Effect on a Child’s Self Esteem

The Parental Effect on a Child’s Self Esteem
by Dr. Nadia

It seems early childhood is full of baby milestones, tantrums, and trading of countless parenting tips. From how to get kids to eat more, poop faster, sleep better and everything in between is discussed and dissected.

Parents want to know the secret to be effective yet gentle, positive parents and raise their kids to be well adjusted humans.

However, even the most well-meaning parents may not realize the effect their words on their children’s social and emotional development.

So what is the parental effect on a child’s self esteem?

Most parents impact their child’s social and emotional development without even realizing it.

 Development of a child’s inner voice

It was a morning like any other. This particular day, I was not in any hurry and had gotten a few extra consecutive hours of sleep the night before.

If I was rushed, tired, or distracted, I likely would have missed this experience.

I heard my 3 year old daughter talking softly in the room. A vivacious and energetic child, speaking softly is not one of her strong skills.

Curious to why her usual level of, um, exuberance was toned down to soft whispers, I stepped into our room.

She was standing on the master bed and was poised to jump off. Her toddler bed is adjacent to our bed and is less than a foot or so difference in height. It was a safe scenario. Kids jump on and off things all the time. No big deal.

So, I decided to observe instead of intervening.

She was concentrating hard.

She was whispering to herself, ‘you can do it! Ok, 1, 2, 3, go! Ok, try again. You are a brave girl, you can do it!’

Wait–was my baby girl giving herself a pep talk?!

I noticed that as she built up her confidence, she was able to jump much faster and with less hesitation. When she felt stuck, she would repeat variations of her pep talk and it seemed to encourage her to continue. By the end of this exercise, she smoothly jumped from one bed to another. It became second nature.

When she finished jumping, she finally looked up and noticed me standing there.

“Mommy, mommy! Look what I can do!”

She was beaming with pride. She completed a task she set her mind to and she did it all by herself.

On the one hand, it was just jumping. However, more than the action of the jumping, what stood out was the confidence, the self pep talk, and how easily it became a part of her.

“I am a great jumper! I was scared but then I thought I could do it, so I did it!”

Using the words she knew, she coached herself to go out of her comfort zone to try something new.

She took the leap. Literally.

I was surprised and impressed to have witnessed this whole process. My baby is growing up, I thought, soon she’ll be thinking on her own, by herself, and for herself.

I often think back to that experience.  It was the first time I heard her ‘ inner voice’ out loud.  I wondered if I had been in a rush, tired, or distracted, would I have noticed and/or would I have responded differently? Or would I have impatiently hurried her along to go to next activity?

Learning point: Our kids are listening to us whether we realize it or not.

As parents or caregivers, we often voice our frustrations out loud and many times in the presence of our kids.

We discuss everything from the picky eating, bad sleeping, too hyper, too loud, bad behaviors, too stubborn, too sensitive, too clingy, too needy, etc.

We label our kids all the time. Without realizing the impact of what we are saying, we give our kids the words that they will use to describe themselves later.

These self descriptive words and phrases will continue onto adulthood, future relationships, and even to future generations.

Our kids learn their worth through us by the way we respond to their needs, with the love and compassion we show them, and the words we use to describe them.

Our actions and words need to reinforce the love we have for them in our hearts.

Does this mean that if you lose your temper and yell at your kids occasionally that you are a terrible parent?

Of course not.

You’re figuring it out just like everyone else.

People tend to act out when they feel powerless or misunderstood. Our little humans act out in the form of tantrums. We act out when we lose our tempers. It happens to the best of us.

It is important to be aware that negative responses and emotional outbursts do get stronger over time due to brain plasticity and strengthening neural connections. Read more on brain plasticity and its effects on the developing brain.

If you find yourself following predictable and repetitive cycles of ineffective interactions with your kids, it may be a good idea to take a step back and figure out ways to break the pattern and make some changes.

Read more on positive parenting tips incorporated in my approach to tantrums.

Think back to your own inner voice.

Many people say their inner voice is loud, harsh, demanding, critical.

Go back further.

Does your inner voice echo of anyone else’s voice(s)? Your own parents or family members maybe?

So much of our issues in adulthood stem from our own childhood experiences. These issues can be a major contributing factor in anxiety and depression.

You’re a parent now.

This can be your chance to make the changes you want and parent how you would have liked to be treated. Or you can blend in different parenting approaches to fit the style that works with your temperament.

Whatever you choose, remember that you have an impact and your words are powerful.

How to give feedback to children

Some parents are skeptical that without feedback and criticism, a child will grow up to be spoiled or narcissistic.

The key here is to give constructive feedback without being harsh or overly critical.

Talk in a patient and kind manner with the child and focus on how he can improve without making it a personal attack on his character.

Verbal and Nonverbal Communication

As parents, we are our children’s most influential role model. We need to be conscious of the messages we send through our verbal and nonverbal reactions.

When our kids cry, fuss, or get upset, our reactions and responses teach our children what is or is not ok.

By dismissing, criticizing, or ridiculing emotions, the message we send is that of invalidation, shame, and guilt.

These are not the messages most well-meaning parents are trying to send their kids.

Emotional Coaching

Let’s help our kids learn to modulate their emotions by showing them healthy ways.

1.  Be the person you would want to comfort you when you are having a bad day.
2.  Talk to your children how you would want to be spoken.
3.  Show them through your words and actions what they should do.

Kids are sponges that absorb amazing amounts of information from watching us, learning from us, and imitating us all the time.

The mirroring of ourselves through our children may be part of the reason it is so frustrating dealing with them during emotional times.

They are us, mini-versions.

The truth is that many adults do not have good coping mechanisms and unknowingly teach their kids how to be just as feisty and emotional as they are.

It is an unfair and unreasonable expectation for parents to expect their kids to be better at handling their emotions than they are as adults.

Parents, it may be helpful to take some time for self reflection, revisit childhood experiences, reassess coping mechanisms to stress, and learn new and healthy ways to modulate your own emotions as well.

Please remember that parenting is not a destination, it is meant to be a journey.

Closing Reflections

How much of our inner voice is truly ours and not just echoes of what we have heard all of our lives? 

Choose your words with love and your actions with care.

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Would love to hear your thoughts.

Have you had similar “whoa, my kids listen” moments? How do you use your own childhood experiences in your current parenting style? What helps you during the frustrating moments? How do help with your child’s self esteem and development? Do you have a different parenting styles for each of your children?