Using the Perfect Filter & Why It Needs to Stop

Using the Perfect Filter & Why It Needs to Stop
by Dr. Nadia

Social media is awesome. It gives us glimpses into the lives of our friends and celebrities. It gives us ideas on how we should live and curate our lives. Additionally, it gives us hope that perfection is easy and within grasp. We capture artistic moments, get the selfie, and then use  the perfect filter to improve and airbrush any imperfections. Voila!

Perfect.

Then, we sit back and watch the likes and heart emojis and feel like real winners. This filter really captures the way one should be. Nice, right?

Well, I’m gonna stop you right there and respectfully disagree. The ‘Perfect Filter’ is  more destructive than good and actually worsens our outlook on life.

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Maybe you are surprised to hear this or maybe you have known it all along.  Skim through any parenting or mom forum, the inevitable question everyone asks is why does everyone else have their shit together but me?

It is no different in our doctor mom groups. Protected by a shield of anonymity, people share their fears and this common theme of feeling inadequate arises time and time again. We can’t help but compare ourselves to others or even to ourselves, to the perfect version of ourselves, the unrealistic ideal.

The Truth about Social Media

We invest hours to show the best version of ourselves on social media.

Maybe it is to show off, to disguise feelings of inadequacy, or just to prove to ourselves we have it all together.

Whatever the case, often the picture does not match up with the reality of our lives. As a result, there is a great disconnect and we are unable to share what is really happening in our lives or how we are truly feeling at that moment.

The blatant discrepancy of what we think we should be and what we actually are sets us up for feelings of  imposter syndrome, dissatisfaction, and depression. We criticize ourselves, asking, ‘what’s wrong with me? Why am I not happy in real life? I mean, look at how happy I look in this picture. I must be doing something wrong’.

As social creatures and being unable to really share our true stories leads to anxiety, loneliness and isolation from our potential support systems. Read more on how social media affects us and our outlook.

The struggle is real all right. It is the struggle between perception and reality.

Everyone seems to have it all together but me. What am I doing wrong?

Nothing. You are not doing anything wrong.

You are amazing– even if you don’t feel that way.

In my view as a pediatrician and mom, you are a hero and should be proud of yourself because you have successfully:

• birthed a child in some way, whether is be natural birth, with meds, C-section, VBAC
• fed them via breast, bottle, or solids
• you haven’t let your house burn down
• you haven’t left your children on someone else’s doorstep
• and you and your family are alive

Truly, that is a great success!

You don’t to have a sparkling clean house, 5 course meals ready, a Stepford wife makeover or anything else to reflect you. If you are present in the moment, show love and are nice to your child and family, you are a rockstar.

Changing the Focus to Authenticity instead of Perfection

Personally, I approach everything on social media as I approach artwork. Someone made it look like that, artfully and purposefully.  While we can appreciate the artistry and technical skills, we need to view that picture or story strictly as entertainment, a beautiful picture, or a work of art.

For example, as nice as a model home looks, it doesn’t feel like a real home. Because it is not a real home. It is an empty structure and no one lives there. Let’s extend that to social media.

What if we change the focus and reasoning behind what we share on social media? Instead of curation, we focus on authenticity?

How about we invest our energy in a making a life–instead of a social media profile– into something you are actually proud?

To those who matter, the ones who actually care about you, none of this matters.

The friends and family who will love and accept you will do that because of how you are, not how you may appear on a social media profile.

Let’s to be kind to ourselves, make space for self compassion, cut ourselves a little slack. We’re all doing the best we can. If we want entertainment, then social media is great for that. However, let’s not use it to compare to others or make us feel bad about ourselves.

Let’s Share our True Stories

I’d love to see pics of your daily life, of the big moments as well as the little ones. The ones of the toddler in mismatched clothes who found the oreos you hid away in the pantry and now has cookie crumbs on his face and the rest of the cookies on the floor. Those cookies were only supposed to be there for you as a pick-me-up after the kids went to sleep. Well, looks like the diet starts now!

Share with me

• the pic of the preschooler throwing a fit on the ground because she can’t find her sock and the baby has a triumphant look on her face with the diaper in her hand, holding the sippy cup upside down, pouring water (or milk) onto the carpet
• the look on your face where you can’t decide if you want to cry or laugh
• the joy on your face when you find out you are pregnant after your rainbow baby
• the pic of your sleepy family and your alert energetic toddler jumping on the bed
• the picnics in the kitchen, the forts in the living room made of bedsheets and pillows, the impromptu music concerts on the couch
• the tea parties where everyone including daddy wears fairy wings and tiaras
• your uniform of messy hair, pjs, and tiara. After all, you are Queen Mommy or King Dad.

Show me

• your muddy children with their big smiles bursting on their faces because they had an adventure in the rain, saw a frog, and collected cool rocks
• the scribbles on the wall from your future artists, clearly favoring the style of Picasso
• your superheroes in their mismatched outfits and their imagination running wild
• the strength in your eyes as you hold your feverish child, singing them a soothing lullaby
• the hugs that you give your spouse, partner, or loves one after a rough day, a hug that says, “we made it through another day as parents! Woohoo!”
• the joy on your toddler’s face running toward you when you come home from work
• the love in your eyes when your preschooler wakes you up at 3am to say, ‘I love you. Will we be friends forever?’

Share the real you. 

You don’t need to curate an image of perfection. You don’t need to use the ‘pretty’ filter on snap which gives an airbrushed look, free of imperfection and flaws.

Real life is imperfect—and that’s just as much if not more beautiful.

Look at nature. The wild ocean, rugged mountains, vast canyons, the various colors, the versatility, all that together make it enchanting, relaxing, beautiful and inspiring.

Similarly, real life is not symmetrical or perfect but it is honest and true. It is the story of a million small moments full of happiness, struggle, heartache, joy, pain, and every emotion in between.

No instagram or facebook picture can capture that complexity.

Let’s all connect on the level of truth and honesty.

I want to see that you are human.  Enough with the wide lens angles, filters, curation.  Let’s share the stories of our authentic, genuine, beautiful selves trying to find balance in this crazy, busy world. These stories will bring us closer together in our shared experience.

We can be ourselves. #nofilterneeded

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