How Can We Stop Sabotaging Parental Confidence?

How Can We Stop Sabotaging Parental Confidence?
by Dr. Nadia

When it comes to parenting, it seems like everyone has ‘a better way’ that is different than what the parents of that child are doing.

From strangers commenting on how, where, when parents should feed their baby to well-meaning relatives advising us against the natural inclination to hold and comfort kids with concerns of the kids growing up to be spoiled, people just love giving unsolicited and conflicting advice.

However, even the most well-meaning advice has the paradoxical effect of being harmful instead of helpful. It can be confusing and stressful to parents who are trying to embark on their parenting journey and discover their parenting style.

These types of advice sabotage parental confidence due to the underlying message: “yall don’t know what the heck you’re doing and/or whatever you are doing is wrong”.

I see the effects of this well-meaning advice in my clinic when countless parents share their worries with me due to the conflicting advice and lack of support. Their parental confidence is low and they are concerned they are doing things wrong, are bad parents, and start to doubt themselves and their ability to take care of and parent their child.

Question:. How to support parents as they take on this new role?

Expert Tip #1: Do not compare your parent friends/relatives to other parents/couples

Nothing makes people feel worse than pointing out that Susie perfect can do x, y, z so why can’t they?

The person making these comparisons may not have malicious intent behind these comments. In fact, they may even think they are providing some inspiration by giving real life role models. However, the reality is that these comments come off as critical and judgmental and decreases parental confidence.  Why? It reinforces the idea to the parent that they aren’t good enough.

Expert tip# 2:  Be kind with your words

You know that saying, ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’?

Well, that’s just not true.

Words can deeply impact a person and sabotage parental confidence.  Careless or judgmental words can really hurt a person especially if those words are coming from a person of support.

To support parents, give positive affirmations to your friend to remind them of the qualities about themselves they may have forgotten.

Some great examples:

1. You are a great mom/dad.
   a.     If you’re going to praise the father for doing his job as a parent, please also praise the mom for being amazing.
   b.    Do not insult fathers by calling them Mr. Moms or babysitters.
   Read more on the role of fathers in modern parenting
2. Everyone goes through challenges. You are strong and creative and you will figure it out.
   a.      Insert story to commiserate a challenging time you had with your kids, at work, with your pet, or  whatever else may help.
   b.     Please don’t use this as a time to promote pretense of perfection with the “perfect filter” or minimize their struggles. Not helpful.
3. Parenting is a journey and you’re just learning along the way. You’re doing great!
4. I support you. What can I do to help?
   a.     Do not joke about what a favor you are doing for the parent. Guilt, shame, passive aggressive   jokes only add to the false idea that the parent should be able to do everything themselves.
   b.     If you do any of what is mentioned above, the parent(s) will likely not ask you for help or support again. In case you are wondering why, now you know.
5. You are inspiring! It is not easy to juggle so many roles and you are doing them well, even if you don’t feel like it right now.

These are very easy ways to show support, kindness, and compassion and can make a world of a difference to your parent friend who may be going through rough time.

Expert Tip #3: Ask how you can help

As an outsider to the daily truths of a family’s life, you probably only have a very small idea of what really goes on in their home and life. So, unless you are around their particular child and know all of said child’s quirks, behaviors, and challenges, please refrain from giving advice that no one is asking for.

Ask what they need and how you can help. Offer to help with the unglamorous aspects of parenthood (ie chores). Be their shoulder to lean on and their ear to listen to them vent. Babysit their child. Give them some baby/child free time so they can take a rest or make time for some self care. Even if they seem like they have it all together, they can probably use support.

Read more on ways to help a new mom.

Be conscientious of your words and actions and keep unsolicited advice to yourself.  Of course, if they actually do ask you for your advice, phrase your personal experience in a kind and nonjudgmental way. See Tip#2 (2a & 2b).

Question: How can parents build their parental confidence?

Expert tip #4: There is no single right answer or single rulebook that all kids follow. That would be way too easy!

Everyone’s experience of parenthood is different– even between parents of the same child. Many factors come into play: parent-child temperaments, parenting philosophies, lifestyle factors, previous exposure to kids, parents’ own childhoods, expectations, etc.

It’s fine to try out various parenting styles while you are trying to find your own. However, it doesn’t mean something is necessarily wrong if what worked for someone else doesn’t work for you. Children don’t read the rule book.

I recommend a conscious responsive parenting style meaning it is adjusted in response to the child. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), studies of responsive parenting show it is “…a vital parenting tool with wide-ranging benefits for the child, from better cognitive and psychosocial development to protection from disease and mortality”. Parents have a great impact on their child’s self esteem and psychosocial development so finding a style that works well for both the parent and the child is important.

This is in contrast to static parenting where parents apply (or are wrongly advised to apply) a one size fits all approach is applied to the kids not allowing for flexibility or adjustment. I don’t recommend this outlook or approach.

Expert Tip #5: Don’t accept all advice/suggestions by friends/relative/celebrities as gospel.

All advice is not created equal. It can have negative consequences on the health and happiness of the family if the advice is generic, outdated, or just plain wrong. There is a lot of information out there and not all of it is good.

There are things that are not safe for the child and can put them at a health risk. Go with evidence based guidelines and not anecdotes.

Your child’s pediatrician is a great resource to bounce off ideas, discuss parenting styles and lifestyle choices and check out reputable sources like The American Academy of Pediatrics or AAP’s Healthy Kids for updated evidence based information. Within a safe, healthy, evidence-based framework, there are still so many parenting decisions to make.

Read more on how becoming a parent changed my perspective as a pediatrician.

Expert Tip #6: Watch for signs of more serious underlying issues

Postpartum depression, parental burnout, mental health issues, sleep deprivation are only some of the things that can occur during parenthood. Be aware and on the lookout for these things.

Expert Tip #7: Aim for progress, not perfection.

Use this experience as a way to improve yourself, work on your flaws, revisit and work through your own childhood experiences.

Parents, please don’t strive for an unrealistic ideal of being a perfect mom or dad. In fact, aim for being a good enough parent, meaning that you are present for your kids, show love and caring, and adjust your parenting style and expectations based on the child’s age and development. This way the you are there for the child and help them learn and adapt as well.

Read more on the concept of the good enough parent and how it is better than trying to be the perfect parent and adding unnecessary stress to your lives.

Read more on how to let go of perfection.

Expert Tip #8: Get on the same parenting page as your spouse and set up joint house rules for your house as well as relatives’ places

I recommend talking with your partner to find out what is important to you to each of you. Share each person’s childhood experience, what they liked or didn’t like from the styles of their parents, what parenting methods are unacceptable to each person.

Don’t assume that what is or is not ok with you is the same for your partner or spouse.

You’ll be surprised how one person’s idea of acceptable behavior turns into frustration for the other one.

For example, I have no problem with our kids jumping on our couch. To me, our comfy sectional couch is the perfect setup for kids’ imagination to run wild and become a trampoline, a fortress, etc. With that in mind, imagine my surprise when hearing my hubs’ frustration about the kids’ jumping on the couch as a misbehavior.

Oops. Since I didn’t know that was a parenting no-no for him, I had giving them the green light to jump on the couch. My bad…

This experience illustrated to us how easy it is to send mixed messages to our kids without even realizing it. In fact, it inspired us to discuss further our individual parenting styles to find a joint parenting style that works for both of us.

Setting up “house rules” for your home and when visiting other relatives’ places can also be helpful.

Remind kids and relatives that everyone is on the same team and that there are no ‘special’ behaviors allowed at the current place. In other words, the rules at home are the same rules here.

Setting clear expectations is crucial to prevent/reduce resentment or disagreements on issues around kid’s diets, bedtimes, etc.

Having these discussions early on helps make parenting a more conscious and intentional journey as opposed to haphazard and sending mixed messages to each other and to the kids.

Expert Tip #9: Be gentle and compassionate to yourself, your spouse/partner, and your kids.

All of you are learning together and it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. And that’s ok.

Try to be patient with yourself and your kids. Remember that kids cannot be treated like mini-adults. If one tries to treat a kid like an adult, it ends up not being very successful and causing frustration for both members of the team. Kids just don’t have the brain development or cognitive abilities to comprehend abstract thought until they are older. So, be gentle with them as they learn and grow.

Read more on a child’s developing brain.

Be mindful of your spouse or partner. Please do not take out your frustrations on them. He or she may also be struggling in their own way. Be kind to each other and support each other. Give each other time for self care, go on dates, make cute traditions together. Work, learn, and play together. Don’t let parenting draw a wedge between the two of you.

Allow yourselves space for self compassion.

Expert Tip #10: Don’t let anyone make you doubt your awesomeness

Parenthood is an experience, a learning process and a life-changing journey. Read more on 5 things every mom needs to know.

You don’t need the validation of every family member or friend to affirm to yourself that you are doing great. Do not let the background noise and unsolicited advice make you doubt yourself as a parent. Just because some method or philosophy may have worked for some other parent, it does not mean you are doing something wrong if you don’t follow that particular ideology.

Parents, you’ve been through a lot and you are doing amazing. Have confidence in your parenting abilities. You got this.

Sending you love and light,

A Pediatrician and fellow Mom who’s got your back

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Did you find yourself receiving lots of unsolicited advice along your parenting journey? Did you find your parenting style different from your partner or spouse? How did your parenting style change as you became a more seasoned parent? Would love to hear your experiences!