How Can We Stop Sabotaging Parental Confidence?
by Dr. Nadia
When it comes to parenting, it seems like everyone has ‘a better way’ that is different than what the parents of that child are doing.
From strangers commenting on how, where, when parents should feed their baby to well-meaning relatives advising us against the natural inclination to hold and comfort kids with concerns of the kids growing up to be spoiled, people just love giving unsolicited and conflicting advice.
However, even the most well-meaning advice has the paradoxical effect of being harmful instead of helpful. It can be confusing and stressful to parents who are trying to embark on their parenting journey and discover their parenting style.
These types of advice sabotage parental confidence due to the underlying message: “yall don’t know what the heck you’re doing and/or whatever you are doing is wrong”.
I see the effects of this well-meaning advice in my clinic when countless parents share their worries with me due to the conflicting advice and lack of support. Their parental confidence is low and they are concerned they are doing things wrong, are bad parents, and start to doubt themselves and their ability to take care of and parent their child.
Question:. How to support parents as they take on this new role?
Expert Tip #1: Do not compare your parent friends/relatives to other parents/couples
Nothing makes people feel worse than pointing out that Susie perfect can do x, y, z so why can’t they?
The person making these comparisons may not have malicious intent behind these comments. In fact, they may even think they are providing some inspiration by giving real life role models. However, the reality is that these comments come off as critical and judgmental and decreases parental confidence. Why? It reinforces the idea to the parent that they aren’t good enough.
Expert tip# 2: Be kind with your words
You know that saying, ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’?
Well, that’s just not true.
Words can deeply impact a person and sabotage parental confidence. Careless or judgmental words can really hurt a person especially if those words are coming from a person of support.
To support parents, give positive affirmations to your friend to remind them of the qualities about themselves they may have forgotten.
Some great examples:
- You are a great mom/dad.
a. If you’re going to praise the father for doing his job as a parent, please also praise the mom for being amazing.
b. Do not insult fathers by calling them Mr. Moms or babysitters.
Read more on the role of fathers in modern parenting - Everyone goes through challenges. You are strong and creative and you will figure it out.
a. Insert story to commiserate a challenging time you had with your kids, at work, with your pet, or whatever else may help.
b. Please don’t use this as a time to promote pretense of perfection with the “perfect filter” or minimize their struggles. Not helpful. - Parenting is a journey and you’re just learning along the way. You’re doing great!
- I support you. What can I do to help?
a. Do not joke about what a favor you are doing for the parent. Guilt, shame, passive aggressive jokes only add to the false idea that the parent should be able to do everything themselves.
b. If you do any of what is mentioned above, the parent(s) will likely not ask you for help or support again. In case you are wondering why, now you know. - You are inspiring! It is not easy to juggle so many roles and you are doing them well, even if you don’t feel like it right now.
These are very easy ways to show support, kindness, and compassion and can make a world of a difference to your parent friend who may be going through rough time.
Expert Tip #3: Ask how you can help
As an outsider to the daily truths of a family’s life, you probably only have a very small idea of what really goes on in their home and life. So, unless you are around their particular child and know all of said child’s quirks, behaviors, and challenges, please refrain from giving advice that no one is asking for.
Ask what they need and how you can help. Offer to help with the unglamorous aspects of parenthood (ie chores). Be their shoulder to lean on and their ear to listen to them vent. Babysit their child. Give them some baby/child free time so they can take a rest or make time for some self care. Even if they seem like they have it all together, they can probably use support.
Read more on ways to help a new mom.
Be conscientious of your words and actions and keep unsolicited advice to yourself. Of course, if they actually do ask you for your advice, phrase your personal experience in a kind and nonjudgmental way. See Tip#2 (2a & 2b).
Question: How can parents build their parental confidence?
Expert tip #4: There is no single right answer or single rulebook that all kids follow. That would be way too easy!
Everyone’s experience of parenthood is different– even between parents of the same child. Many factors come into play: parent-child temperaments, parenting philosophies, lifestyle factors, previous exposure to kids, parents’ own childhoods, expectations, etc.
It’s fine to try out various parenting styles while you are trying to find your own. However, it doesn’t mean something is necessarily wrong if what worked for someone else doesn’t work for you. Children don’t read the rule book.
I recommend a conscious responsive parenting style meaning it is adjusted in response to the child. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), studies of responsive parenting show it is “…a vital parenting tool with wide-ranging benefits for the child, from better cognitive and psychosocial development to protection from disease and mortality”. Parents have a great impact on their child’s self esteem and psychosocial development so finding a style that works well for both the parent and the child is important.
This is in contrast to static parenting where parents apply (or are wrongly advised to apply) a one size fits all approach is applied to the kids not allowing for flexibility or adjustment. I don’t recommend this outlook or approach.
Expert Tip #5: Don’t accept all advice/suggestions by friends/relative/celebrities as gospel.
All advice is not created equal. It can have negative consequences on the health and happiness of the family if the advice is generic, outdated, or just plain wrong. There is a lot of information out there and not all of it is good.
There are things that are not safe for the child and can put them at a health risk. Go with evidence based guidelines and not anecdotes.
Your child’s pediatrician is a great resource to bounce off ideas, discuss parenting styles and lifestyle choices and check out reputable sources like The American Academy of Pediatrics or AAP’s Healthy Kids for updated evidence based information. Within a safe, healthy, evidence-based framework, there are still so many parenting decisions to make.
Read more on how becoming a parent changed my perspective as a pediatrician.
Expert Tip #6: Watch for signs of more serious underlying issues
Postpartum depression, parental burnout, mental health issues, sleep deprivation are only some of the things that can occur during parenthood. Be aware and on the lookout for these things.
Expert Tip #7: Aim for progress, not perfection.
Use this experience as a way to improve yourself, work on your flaws, revisit and work through your own childhood experiences.
Parents, please don’t strive for an unrealistic ideal of being a perfect mom or dad. In fact, aim for being a good enough parent, meaning that you are present for your kids, show love and caring, and adjust your parenting style and expectations based on the child’s age and development. This way the you are there for the child and help them learn and adapt as well.
Read more on the concept of the good enough parent and how it is better than trying to be the perfect parent and adding unnecessary stress to your lives.
Read more on how to let go of perfection.
Expert Tip #8: Get on the same parenting page as your spouse and set up joint house rules for your house as well as relatives’ places
I recommend talking with your partner to find out what is important to you to each of you. Share each person’s childhood experience, what they liked or didn’t like from the styles of their parents, what parenting methods are unacceptable to each person.
Don’t assume that what is or is not ok with you is the same for your partner or spouse.
You’ll be surprised how one person’s idea of acceptable behavior turns into frustration for the other one.
For example, I have no problem with our kids jumping on our couch. To me, our comfy sectional couch is the perfect setup for kids’ imagination to run wild and become a trampoline, a fortress, etc. With that in mind, imagine my surprise when hearing my hubs’ frustration about the kids’ jumping on the couch as a misbehavior.
Oops. Since I didn’t know that was a parenting no-no for him, I had giving them the green light to jump on the couch. My bad…
This experience illustrated to us how easy it is to send mixed messages to our kids without even realizing it. In fact, it inspired us to discuss further our individual parenting styles to find a joint parenting style that works for both of us.
Setting up “house rules” for your home and when visiting other relatives’ places can also be helpful.
Remind kids and relatives that everyone is on the same team and that there are no ‘special’ behaviors allowed at the current place. In other words, the rules at home are the same rules here.
Setting clear expectations is crucial to prevent/reduce resentment or disagreements on issues around kid’s diets, bedtimes, etc.
Having these discussions early on helps make parenting a more conscious and intentional journey as opposed to haphazard and sending mixed messages to each other and to the kids.
Expert Tip #9: Be gentle and compassionate to yourself, your spouse/partner, and your kids.
All of you are learning together and it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. And that’s ok.
Try to be patient with yourself and your kids. Remember that kids cannot be treated like mini-adults. If one tries to treat a kid like an adult, it ends up not being very successful and causing frustration for both members of the team. Kids just don’t have the brain development or cognitive abilities to comprehend abstract thought until they are older. So, be gentle with them as they learn and grow.
Read more on a child’s developing brain.
Be mindful of your spouse or partner. Please do not take out your frustrations on them. He or she may also be struggling in their own way. Be kind to each other and support each other. Give each other time for self care, go on dates, make cute traditions together. Work, learn, and play together. Don’t let parenting draw a wedge between the two of you.
Allow yourselves space for self compassion.
Expert Tip #10: Don’t let anyone make you doubt your awesomeness
Parenthood is an experience, a learning process and a life-changing journey. Read more on 5 things every mom needs to know.
You don’t need the validation of every family member or friend to affirm to yourself that you are doing great. Do not let the background noise and unsolicited advice make you doubt yourself as a parent. Just because some method or philosophy may have worked for some other parent, it does not mean you are doing something wrong if you don’t follow that particular ideology.
Parents, you’ve been through a lot and you are doing amazing. Have confidence in your parenting abilities. You got this.
Sending you love and light,
A Pediatrician and fellow Mom who’s got your back
****
Did you find yourself receiving lots of unsolicited advice along your parenting journey? Did you find your parenting style different from your partner or spouse? How did your parenting style change as you became a more seasoned parent? Would love to hear your experiences!
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70 Comments
Mama, M.D.
September 12, 2018 at 12:37 pmGet out of my head!!!!! Another one you knocked out of the park!!!
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:26 amThanks so much! As parents we share so many common thoughts. Glad we can share them together <3
Karla | KarlaTravels
September 12, 2018 at 6:00 pmParenting does not come with a manual!
Even though there are so many free resources available, the only way for us to learn and improve our parenting is through trial and tests.
People may have their own opinions and expertise but it is up to us to do our very best every single day.
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:26 amAgree! Thanks, Karla!
Cassandra
September 12, 2018 at 8:59 pmLove this!! We all are doing a great job individually for our families and need to feel confident in that. Thank you for this!
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:22 amExactly! Trust yourself, mama <3
Aimey
September 13, 2018 at 9:15 amMy husband and I had very different ideas of how to parent. This was very clear early on in our relationship. When we would see kids in public act a certain way (good and bad) we would discus in private how we would react in those situations. After time this helped us get more in the same page.
I love this post and wish that everyone would read it and be more aware of how their unsolicited opinions affect a new mom.
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:21 amAgree! Thanks, Aimey.
Colleen
September 13, 2018 at 12:23 pmThank you for all of the tips. Parenting is the hardest job and does not come with a redo. As long as we do our best and seek guidance when we need it, then have confidence in yourself.
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:21 amI totally agree, Colleen.
Candice
September 14, 2018 at 11:38 amI love tip 5 because run across it all the time in Mommy circles. This was a great read and very educational about parenting confidence.
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:20 amThanks, Candice!
Holly @ ProductivePete
September 14, 2018 at 1:14 pmSuch great tips, but number 8 is the one that spoke to me the most! This tip “being on the same parenting page as your spouse”, has rectified so many issues in my home. My husband had to clean his plate; I didn’t. So we had to figure out where we stood on this issue as parents. That’s just one of many differences in our parenting by the way. But once we had our way to figure out how we would work through it and “get on the same page” – these issues just became tiny bumps in the parenting road.
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:20 amsuch great points. Thanks, Holly.
Jessica
September 15, 2018 at 12:01 amWhat a well thought out post! I really love that you mentioned number 9. As children get older it is hard not to want or expect to see them as little adults. They are still kids! Respecting your spouse and trying to see things from their view is so important too.
themindfulmdmom
September 16, 2018 at 11:18 amThanks, Jessica!
Sarah
September 16, 2018 at 3:18 pmI love to “aim for progress, not perfection” I’m such a perfectionist it can be really hard for me to just be okay with something, including my parenting.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 3:04 pmThanks, Sarah!
Kristi @ Way Beyond The Norm
September 17, 2018 at 5:34 pmGreat tips! I remember being a new mom and making parenting decisions for the first time. I believed I was doing a good job only until my grandmother came along and started scolding me for the way I was raising them. She passed away a few years ago, and to this day her words still hurt me. But at the same time, I think I’ve been guilty of doing or implying some of the same upon other new parents. I think we all are guilty of this at times and need to remember we were once new parents too.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 3:04 pmYou are so right, Kristi. The effects of words can last a lifetime.
Ana Jacqueline
September 17, 2018 at 9:41 pmOhhh, I had somebody ask my fiancé if he was on babysitting duties because we were out with the babies and it took all of me to not squirt him in the face with the baby bottle!
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 3:03 pmI just lol’d with the visual of squirting with the baby bottle! Thanks for sharing your experience, Ana!
Dilpreet kaur dua
September 17, 2018 at 10:24 pmOk I love this article, there are so many people in my house who need to read this.
Thank you for sharing this.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 3:00 pmFeel free to subtly (or not so subtly) send it to them 😉 Thanks, Dilpreet <3
Laurie
September 18, 2018 at 6:40 amThese are all great tips! such an important message and great tips and information. thank for sharing.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 3:00 pmThanks, Laurie!
Tyese
September 18, 2018 at 7:17 amI really needed this today. I have seriously been doubting my parenting skills lately. It is so hard to be confident when everyone has an unsolicited opinion they want to share.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 3:00 pmYou got this, girl.
Rachel
September 18, 2018 at 9:45 amComparing your kids to others really is a disaster waiting to happen. I had to even ask my mom to stop comparing her grandchildren. They all turned out fine!
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:59 pmComparison of kids is probably one of the worst things that a family/relative can do as it not only erodes parental confidence but also the confidence of the children and pits them against each other 🙁
Carmela
September 18, 2018 at 2:07 pmI absolutely love this post. I have received unsolicited parenting advice from well-meaning relatives and strangers. When I was a new parent, hearing conflicting advice sabotaged my confidence as a new mom. On a more positive note, I also have good friends who encouraged me and told me that parents know what’s best for their own children. As I became a more seasoned parent, I learned to stay away and ignore judgmental/ gossipy people and stick to like-minded individuals.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:58 pmSuch good ideas, Carmela. It is so important to find the right support especially as a new parent.
Melissa Welby
September 18, 2018 at 7:38 pmParenting is hard enough on its own without adding on judgment and little comments that erode confidence. Thanks for this great post
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:57 pmThanks, Melissa!
Angelina Rock
September 18, 2018 at 11:42 pmYou are so right, even if we mean well we can be sabotaging it tarnishing the journey for someone else. Thank you for the tips and I will keep them in mind as I begin my new journey into finding mom friends.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:56 pmThanks, Angelina
Rachel
September 19, 2018 at 9:00 amWhen I hang out with my mom friends I always try to nip the comparing right in the bud. I have oldest kids so they sort of listen to me. I just am like stop, you are doing fine and you are just going down a rabbit hole.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:56 pmgreat metaphor with the rabbit hole! Yes!
Mom in the Six
September 19, 2018 at 9:46 amAsk how you can help – YES! BUT a lot of mom’s say “oh no I’m fine”, sometimes beyond asking you just have to help. Whether it be picking up some groceries or dropping off a lasagna.
Ala
September 19, 2018 at 1:33 pmSo agree with your thoughts. Many people advised me how and what to do with my kids and it is not pleasant at all
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:55 pmThank, Ala
Jasmine Hewitt
September 19, 2018 at 8:56 pmi love this so much! every mom should read this!
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:54 pmThanks, Jasmine!
Lebogang Xolo
September 20, 2018 at 1:55 pmWhen you struggle with PPD, all of these become exaggerated. But it was a learning experience in terms of compassion. Great post.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:53 pmThanks for sharing your experience!
KrisBeeMama
September 20, 2018 at 4:07 pmAsk if you can help is likely my #1 on this list. But, follow that up with how the parent wants you to help as well! I can’t tell you how grateful I am for people offering assistance in a challenging moment, even if I politely thank them and say I’m ok.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:53 pmThanks Kris!
Caitlin
September 20, 2018 at 7:44 pmAs an overwhelmed, mostly stressed Mom of 4, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that “I support you, what can I do to help?” would be the most helpful thing anyone could say to me. You nailed it!
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:39 pmAmen! Thanks, Caitlin!
Daphne' Adams
September 20, 2018 at 9:18 pmEverything about this is right on the money!!! Don’t take advice as gospel and not comparing are my two favorite ones.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:34 pmThanks, Daphne
Tasheena
September 21, 2018 at 12:41 amMy favorite tips are the ones that involve your spouse! I think that as a stay-at-home mom, I carry a lot of the parenting burden by myself. In actuality, my husband wants to be involved and enjoys making my life easier. I just need to take it upon myself to communicate with him about parenting decisions or struggles. Thanks for all of these awesome reminders!
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:38 pmThanks Tasheena. It is easy to forget that we don’t have to take upon all the responsibility on ourselves. In fact, it helps both people to enjoy the parenting experience more if both get a chance to be involved.
Ala
September 21, 2018 at 6:26 amparenting comes from heart and with love we can do a lot of things
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:34 pmagreed <3
Alexis H
September 21, 2018 at 4:19 pmI always see others putting down moms nd even single dads for how the parent in public. There has been numerous account my husband and I either step it and tell them to stop or try and comfort and tell them they are doing amazing. I’ve been there and still get those looks and comments.
Mind how you phrase things to because chances of your advice spunding good in your head wont come out the same way
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:33 pmThat is so awesome of yall to step in and build up the other parents’ confidence! I agree that how one puts the advice makes such a big difference too
thedailysunlight
September 21, 2018 at 6:42 pmThese are such great tips! I love this. Parenting is definitely not easy. We all know that. Also, each parent is different and has a different approach on things.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:32 pmthanks!
Kristina
September 22, 2018 at 9:21 amI have received so much unsolicited advice when it comes to caring for my medically complex child. I even had somebody question why I was letting my daughter take blood pressure medication for her hypertension. All of these are great tips, and hold extra true for special needs parents.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:31 pmAgreed. Thanks, Kristina!
Kristi @ Way Beyond The Norm
September 22, 2018 at 9:54 amGreat tips! I think we’ve all been in both situations. I know I’ve had relatives who have tried to tell me I’m a horrible parent because of the way I raise my kids. But I’ve also been guilty of doing the same to others (maybe not to their face, but it really doesn’t matter if it’s belittling them face to face or behind their back). As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that what’s best for one person’s children and family are not best for the next one.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:31 pmThat’s great insight, Kristi. Thanks for sharing!
Teresa
September 22, 2018 at 10:50 amI totally agree with this! Why people feel the need to comment on anyone else’s parenting styles is beyond me. Great tips here thank you
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:30 pmThanks, Teresa!
Shani | Sunshine & Munchkins
September 23, 2018 at 10:50 pmI like your tip about asking how you can help. It’s really easy to give advice but harder to ask someone what they need from you and to do it.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:30 pmThanks, Shani!
Diana
September 24, 2018 at 1:04 amI love this! I totally agree, what works for one family won’t necessarily work for another because each kid and parent and their relationship is different. All we can do is try and find what works best for us. I don’t mind advice, I’m happy to consider something else when I have a problem. But what bugs me so much is when someone keeps insisting and keeps repeating the advice, asking if you’re tried it, etc. Just say your thing and then leave it up to me to take it or not.
themindfulmdmom
October 2, 2018 at 2:30 pmI totally agree. Thanks, Diana!
Lexi
October 24, 2018 at 4:14 pmThis was the HARDEST thing for me when my daughter was a newborn. We both have big families and everyone had an opinion about everything. It drove me crazy! I realized I had to do what I felt was right for me and for her and to just ignore whenever anyone said anything else!