How Mindfulness Can Help You Enjoy the Parenting Experience

How Mindfulness Can Help You Enjoy the Parenting Experience
by Dr. Nadia Sabri

Parenthood is the ultimate equalizer: its twists and turns, joys and challenges spare no one. So, how to deal with the complexities of parenthood we face on a daily basis? How can mindfulness help you enjoy the parenting experience?

The solution: make it mindful, intentional, and be fully present in the parenting experience.

Mindful conscious parenting is a paradigm that takes the pressure of parenthood off the shoulders of parents and helps one deal with the joys and challenges of life.

These pressures include being the perfect parent, feeling like one has to know everything all the time, being the expert of your family, having it all together all the time, tantrums, other life events outside of your control, etc.

Two kids in and over four years of parenting so far, we’ve had our share of challenges from with everything from emergency c-section and recovery after my first baby, breastfeeding issues, moving, recovering from thyroid tumor surgery and finding a new normal.

However, we’ve also had plenty of amazing adventures, started new projects, marking things off the bucket list, living our healthiest lives yet and become pros at traveling frequently with kids. Come to think of it, I think my eldest child is just a few hundred frequent flier miles away from get a free ticket—and she’s only four!

So how to do this in your life?

By integrating various life experiences to form a parenting brand unique to you, your partner, and other caregivers. Figure out your overall goals and approach for yourself and your kids.  I’d recommend discussing these things with the major people involved in the kids’ lives so that there is some overall consistency in caregiving.

For example, do you prefer a gentle, positive parenting approach? Are you against or ok with cry it out? Do kids get to eat sweets and if so, how much? How are tantrums or other misbehaviors to be addressed?

Without an intentional approach to parenting, everyone will be doing something different and what may be acceptable to one parent or caregiver will be misbehavior to another. Mixed messages will confuse the children and be frustrating to those involved in their caregiving.

Some of our goals (in no particular order) include:
–     Raising well adjusted, kind humans who will thrive with their unique personalities
–     Personal and professional growth for us
–     Life work balance
–     Healthy lifestyle that starts at home and as a normal part of our daily routine
–     Continue to improve and incorporate stress reduction strategies into our lives and model these to our kids
–    Be present in our lives and minimize distractions

My husband and I are big on communication so we let each other know what worked for us, what doesn’t, give constructive (and kind) feedback to each other, and modify our collective parenting approach together. We didn’t always do this and initially our parenting styles were all over the place. What was acceptable to me was misbehavior to him and vice versa (ie. jumping on the couch). I share some examples of this in my post on the parental effect on a child’s self esteem.

So, how can mindfulness can change the parenting paradigm for the better?

Parenthood becomes a journey instead of a destination
Becoming a parent can be the start of a life changing experience. If we use a mindful and conscious approach, we can use the challenges and experiences to learn more about ourselves, resolve our previous childhood issues and biases, improve our emotional intelligence, find our authentic selves while teaching our kids to do the same.

Mindfulness tip: share daily low/high or hard/fun parts of your days. It is a great bonding activity to improve listening and communication skills and is good for any age.

Parenting becomes on-the-job training as we find our unique parenting brand
We don’t need to know all the answers at once. Instead, we can learn as we go in our daily experiences. We can take a few minutes each day to reflect on what worked and what didn’t work to a certain situation. It’s ok to make mistakes as long as we learn from them and don’t fall into cycles of ineffective parenting behaviors.

With this approach, parents recognize that the personalities and learning styles of the children are complete variables. As the child grows older, we find out what works and what doesn’t. Also, each child is different so what works for one may not work for another.

Staying mindful of these various factors allows one to be flexible in their approach, understand that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. It has to be flexible, responsive, and a team approach between the parent(s) and children.

Mindfulness tip: Try to find at least one characteristic/quality of the child to praise and show appreciation.

For example, “I know you were a little worried about going to school. It is a change for you, right? I am so proud of you and think you are so brave for meeting new people and trying something new” or “I love that you are so adventurous and playful at home and at school. You have such a fun energy! I enjoy spending time with you”.

These little things make a big difference to build confidence and bonding between the child and parent.

Allows for personal growth, self compassion, and balance
As parents, we have an important role as shaping the lives of impressionable and innocent beings. However, life and personal growth shouldn’t stop when you become a parent.

You are allowed to be yourself.

Your kids need to see you as your whole authentic self and not just a dictator who is continually telling them what not to do.  Share your interests and hobbies with your kids by and learn how to incorporate self care in your busy life.

You owe it to yourself and to your kids to take care of yourself and share your best self with them.

If find yourself often frustrated, angry, resentful (of your kids or your spouse), you may be experiencing parental burnout. This means a time out for you and some much needed time to recharge, take a nap, or go on a date with your partner.

Seriously. It’s ok to take some time for these things. It does not make you a “less” parent. No one can go 100% in every aspect of their life without a break. So, recognize when you need to take that time out for yourself and go for it.

Please do not feel guilty about taking time out for your self care and well-being.

Read more on my gentle meditation for self compassion as a parent and how to start living your best life as a parent.

Life, work, parenting. It’s all about balance.

Mindfulness tip: take a few minutes each day and try mindfulness meditation. It will give you the space to non-judgmentally review your day, de-stress (instead of distress), and find clarity. If you like apps, Headspace is a great one as well as other meditation apps. Find what works for you.

Removes the pressure to be perfect
No one is expected to have all the answers or be perfect.Parenthood is a journey and depends on all the players as a team who respond with respect to each other, recognizing limitations and also potential for growth. We can learn from our daily experiences.

No need to blame yourself or feel guilty about not being enough. You’re more than enough. Read more on not viewing life through the “perfect filter”.

Mindfulness tip: for every negative thing that you say to/about yourself, give yourself 3 positive statements. That’s how many it takes to eliminate a negative thought. Having a gentle meditation on letting go of perfection or mantra as a reminder can also be helpful. Read more on mantras for mindful parenting.

Helps us respond instead of react to emotional triggers

Mindfulness helps us stay present in our experiences and we can learn to respond instead of react to our emotions. Emotions are not innately bad; they help us understand and experience the world around us.  However, many of us were not taught or shown how to use emotions effectively. As a result, many adults don’t know how to deal with big emotions and have difficulty when their minions have big reactions too.

For instance, tantrums. They are a common daily occurrence when kids are young. It can be incredibly frustrating if we are not aware of the child’s developmental level or have unrealistic expectation of what is actually pretty normal behavior.

If we learn to respond instead of react to the emotions, it can actually be a great learning experience for both parents and kids. Read more on my approach to tantrums.

Mindfulness tip #1: during frustrating moments, recognize when you are started to heated and take a moment to breathe. Mindful breathing means taking slow controlled breaths (in through your nose and out through your mouth) as a way to recenter. Physically, these slow breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system to literally slow and relax  your system so you feel calmer– even in the midst of frustration.

Mindfulness tip #2: Speak softly. The angrier and more emotional you feel, drop your volume. You don’t want your message to be hidden under your volume.

Empowers the parent to be a role model and emotional coach

Previous thoughts regarding parenting was very static and the parent blindly applied whatever parenting style they were exposed to as a child. As a result of the previous blasé approach, parents would do and say whatever without realizing the effect they have on their children.

Read more on the parental effect on a child’s self esteem.

Mindful parenting hold the parents to a higher level of personal responsibility to embody and model the ideals and behaviors they want their children to express.  This means none of this “do as I say but not as I do” mentality and instead is “walk the talk”.

Mindfulness tip: when your child is acting out or doing an inappropriate behavior (ie. hitting or biting another person), get down to their level (instead of standing over them), verbalize what they are doing and give them an alternate action. Keys here are to do this with a gentle voice and expression because kids may not understand the words but they understand body language.

For example, “I know you are excited/angry/want your toy back. But hitting is ouchy and doesn’t tell us what you want. Let’s use our words and not our hands”, etc. Obviously adjust the verbage for the child’s age and developmental level.

Encourages intentionality and conscious of our effect on our kids

Are we aware of the messages we send our kids?
Are we mindful of our own frustrations and challenges we encounter on a daily basis?
Do we take out our frustrations by yelling at our kids when we feel at a loss?
Do we have good coping skills to deal with these frustrations that we can model to our kids?

Usually the answer is no.

Why? Because most of us were not taught coping skills, anxiety reduction strategies, positive emotional coaching.

However, these skills are so important to help kids through their various stressors.

Kids face a lot of pressure to perform at high levels from a young age, pushed too hard, and do not have anxiety reduction strategies or the coping skills to deal with these stressors. As a result, many adult conditions are being seem as a very young age. It is heartbreaking the amount of children being diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and committing suicide.

However, with a mindful conscious parenting style the parent and child can learn together how to deal with stressors, challenges, and find what stress reduction strategies work for them. The family can learn wellness together.

Mindfulness tip #1: when you feel an emotion (good or bad), it’s ok to verbalize this and show an appropriate way to handle an emotion.

For example, “Mommy is feeling very frustrated right now. I am going to take some quiet time right now and take some deep breaths” or “I feel sad right now and need a hug”.

Mindfulness tip #2: If you see your kids very hyper, respond to it. “Looks like we have so much energy right now!  Should we jump, dance, run around? We will be going out later where it’s going to be quiet so let’s get our energy out now”.

Mindfulness is awesome and easy to incorporate to your life

It is a lifestyle that make you feel alive and less distracted.

The best part is that mindful living and conscious parenting allows every person on their journey to check in with themselves, put away judgment, and stay in the present moment of that particular experience.

Read more on how to stay mindful despite distractions.

Yes, we’re all busy and there’s a lot to do but time passed will never come back either. Childhood occurs only once.

Why not try to experience the present moments together with your family?Put in the time now to build the strong foundation on which your kids will live their lives.Read more on getting started with mindfulness.

By taking an intentionally mindful approach to your life, you will be able to navigate both the rough and smooth seas of parenting (and life) may enjoy experiences more than you thought was possible.

*********

How did you find your “parenting brand”? What tips/techniques help you enjoy parenting– not just the joys but the challenging parts too? What do you know now that you wish you had known when you first became a parent?